Sunday was my rest day. I know I should have been doing a lot of work, but I don’t think I had slept that much in a looong time. I woke up at like 1pm, ate, watched a movie (Flipped… really cute movie ^^), and went right back to sleep. When I woke up at 7pm, I knew I should get that work done, but I just felt so rested! I felt like myself again! I had been telling a friend of mine on facebook to be creative for the both of us since I didn’t have the time (nor the energy) to do anything creative for myself in a long time. When I woke up, though, I felt so alive! I decided to create my own meme of something that had happened to me the other day with my mom. I didn’t get to finish it, but I am so excited to be working on something again! I know I should have been doing schoolwork, but honestly, I’ll deal with the procrastination consequences if it means I get to feel like myself again.
I wrote a post here a few days ago expressing how drained, overwhelmed and horrible I had been feeling lately. I don’t care if yesterday’s procrastination pushed all my work back to more stressful portions for this week. I enjoyed myself on Sunday night. Me. I enjoyed ME. And that feeling was so WORTH IT. <3
I’m a full-time student, I work at Gamestop at night, I work at school during the day, I tutor kids in mathematics on Saturday mornings, papers, tests, labs, trying to eat right and get healthier. All the while, I’m still trying to sustain my relationships with my family and friends. It’s too much. I’m exhausted. I’m stuck. I’m drained. I only have 15 minutes to write this before I have to go to work now. I find myself not being able to function like I used to. My brain doesn’t keep up with things like it should. I need more sleep. I don’t know how much more I should be getting, but it’s clearly not enough right now.
I’m under a lot of pressure. People are expecting things from me and I just want to curl up in a ball and shut my eyes so tight that everything disappeared… even me. I don’t wanna live like this anymore. I feel trapped. I know I am trying to finish school and that should be my main priority, but life isn’t that simple. I just had to pay over $400 to fix my car. I would love to say that I could just focus on school, but then I would have no money for emergencies like that. I would be completely fucked without a car. Or a means to pay for food while I’m out during the day.
I am… so… tired…
I am not myself…
And I even want to take a break from this person I am right now.
I just want to walk into that hyperbolic time chamber from DBZ and make myself cozy. Just sleep. Not because my body is physically tired (although it really is), but because I need my mind to go blank for a while. I could recuperate and then come back and continue living this life as it demands. I just… I need time. I feel like I’m losing touch of who I am.
Maybe i’m just freaking out right now. Maybe all this is just over-exaggerated and dramatic. I don’t know. I miss when all I had to worry about was what hw I needed to get done and who I wanted to hang out with later on today. I want to relax. No matter how hard I try, there is always something I should be doing instead. Any time I chill, it just feels like I’m procrastinating or ignoring some greater responsibility I should be taking care of. I don’t want to live like this anymore. It’s only the middle of the semester and I want out. @.@
There are so many things on my plate I feel like the Alex I know and love is crying inside me. She’s ignored and infinitely wanting. I need to be by myself. I need to find her again… she’s getting lost among all the textbooks, tests, tears, and turmoil.
Yeah… I’m working two jobs now… and my second job just paid me my first paycheck! ^^
I can’t wait to start saving up for a new car. Don’t get me wrong.. I love my car now! I am eternally grateful that she transports me from place to place. I just… I need a car that won’t require so much maintenance. She’s swallowing my money little by little. I need a car that will guarantee that she’ll work for me every day… no questions. I’ll miss you, Vegas (yes… my friend named my car Vegas a few years ago… for some reason… lol), but I want better things for my life… and you’re weighing me down by stealing all my money! … you’ll always be my super hero <3