I am no longer a single lady. lol This has been true since the 27th of November. I’m going out with Emmanuel (aka Email) now! I have to admit something to you, tumblr. I am really happy with him. He makes me smile! Just thinking about the time we spend together always gives me that warm feeling inside. But… to be honest with you… I’m scared. I know that I really like him and I love being his gf… but I am just really scared of relationships in general. Why would I get together with him if I’m scared? Because my mom has always told me that you’ll never experience your life if you stop yourself from doing things just because you’re scared. She says “You’re afraid? So do it… afraid!” In other words, it doesn’t matter if you aren’t feeling brave or confident. Do it anyway! I have taken that advice to heart on several occasions and I never regret it.
Anyway, back to what I was saying. I find myself a little scared to allow myself to open up again. My last breakup was so painful. I was really attached to my ex and he just left me like I was nothing. I was broken and it took me months to put myself back together again. There I was… perfectly fine… minding my own business and BOOM! I meet Emmanuel at a party that I didn’t even want to attend! I’m really glad I went… and I’m really glad that I’m with him, but I just can’t shake this fear that he is going to hurt me some day. This fear is hindering me from feeling safe. When I’m with someone, I usually feel a sense of relief because I feel like they are now my safe haven. I don’t have to worry about creepy guys coming on to me or anybody trying to get with me because it is KNOWN that I have a bf and I am off-limits now.
I was thinking about it the other day when he and I were hanging out and I even mentioned it to him. It doesn’t feel real. We both know we are together, but in my head it just doesn’t register. I guess I have felt a certain way in my past relationships, but this time, that switch hasn’t been flicked in my head that tells me I’m part of a “couple” now. I don’t know if this is a good thing, a bad thing, or it doesn’t really mean anything at all. I know I’m not looking for anybody else… I never was looking for anyone in the first place. It’s not about that. I just… don’t feel like I’m in a relationship. Every time I go to facebook and I see my relationship status still on “single,” I feel really torn. I know I’m not single… and I like that. He already put his status as “in a relationship.” It feels like changing my status would help make this relationship feel a little more real (as silly as that might sound… it’s just facebook). I guess it’s just… thinking about the last time I seriously changed that relationship status(not referring to the time I put on facebook that I was “in a relationship” with Chill Pengvin… a penguin I named and took pictures with in the New York Zoo), it feels like I’m putting myself in a vulnerable position.
Ok… let me explain it in the only way I know how… nerd imagery. In physics, the higher you suspend an object above the ground, the higher “potential energy” is stored in that object. Well, in this case, changing my status feels like I would officially be suspending my heart in mid air. Like it was being strung up on a thin little thread… and Emmanuel was the one holding the other end. The higher it was held, the more potential it has to fall… and essentially… break into a hundred pieces again. I don’t know… if I were to change that status… maybe it would help me open up my heart to this relationship. Part of relationships and love is taking that chance, right? There is always that chance of getting hurt. There always has been and always will be. Maybe I was just more open to it in the past. Maybe I really am just scared of getting hurt again. Could it possibly mean that maybe I was just really naive and idealistic with my head in the clouds in past relationships? Maybe that’s the difference between then and now. Maybe that’s why it doesn’t really feel like i’m in a relationship… because I’ve got both feet still here on the ground. Is that better? Is that a good thing? Or does it make me a chicken? Does that mean I’m growing up or something? And this is what more mature relationships feel like? I don’t know.
I’m probably just over-thinking this as usual. I just don’t like that uneasy feeling I get when I debate with myself about changing that status. It doesn’t feel like just a simple change of a status. It feels like it means more. …like it will affect me in some way. Not because of stupid facebook… but because I give it significance. I don’t know. I think it really MEANS something when you’re going out with someone. It MEANS something when you introduce someone as “This is my boyfriend, _____.” It’s like announcing to the world that they hold your heart in the palm of their hand. …and I guess to admit that still scares me a little.
Sorry for the wall of text, tumblr. Just venting… thinking. Writing always helped me sort through things in my head and I haven’t been doing a lot of that lately.