Awesome night is awesome.

heh…

Goodnight, tumblr =]

I made a meme =]

Last night, I found out that a friend of mine got arrested. I was in a group of people when I found out. We all knew him. I was the only one who seemed to care… at all. And I was supposed to be upset with him! It astounded me how something like that could happen to him. He went out with people that night, didn’t he? They were supposed to be his friends? Maybe? Where were they? I know he was on drugs, but how could they let this happen to him? What kind of friend would let their buddy get in serious trouble like that when they weren’t in the right state of mind? It’s like taking care of a drunk person… making sure they don’t hurt themselves or do something horribly stupid. That’s what real friends do. We take care of each other. And nobody at that table last night seemed to be a real friend to him. I didn’t expect it from most of them, but only one other than myself should have cared. He didn’t. He said that he wouldn’t take care of our druggy friend BECAUSE he was on drugs. The complete opposite of what I just said a friend should do. 

*sigh*

I can’t stop thinking about it. I keep wondering if I hadn’t been mad at him during this period of time and he and I would still be hanging out, would this have still happened? I wonder if maybe that night he would have just been watching movies with me at my house instead of going out to that club that night and taking all those drugs… … … and getting into trouble like that.

I don’t know.

I guess I’m being hard on myself. I feel like it’s partially my fault. Like maybe if I was with him that night, I could have stopped him from getting into trouble. I don’t even know if he would have listened to me in that state of mind. I would like to think that he would.

He and I used to talk about stuff. Stuff that mattered. I told him how I hated it when my mom would call me naive. People would call me naive. I was starting to believe it myself. I had heard it so many times over the years. He told me that he didn’t agree with that, though. He said that he didn’t think I was naive… he just thought I was… innocent. 

Naive: 1. showing a lack of experience, wisdom or judgement; 2. having or showing simplicity of nature or absence of artificiality, unsophisticated; ingenuous

Innocent: 1. not guilty of a crime or offense; 2. free from moral wrong; without sin; pure; 3. not involving evil intent or motive

He said innocent sounded better because naive made it sound like I was dumb… and he knew I wasn’t. He told me that he liked that I was innocent. I suppose after living the life that he had lived for so long, hanging out with someone who genuinely only had good intentions was refreshing.

I couldn’t continue, though. He had other intentions. He was lying to me. I know how trusting I can be. Anybody who gets to know me will see that I always choose to believe the best in people. It’s my downfall, really. Because people may choose to take advantage of it. Take advantage of me. Once I realize that someone has been lying to me and trying to manipulate my kindness, I cannot trust them anymore. And how can I be friends with someone I cannot trust? Every person I consider my real friend is someone I feel that I can confide in. My chosen kind of friendship just doesn’t work with liars. It just… doesn’t. Unfortunately, I’m also very forgiving. There are lots of people in my life that I probably shouldn’t be talking to because of what they have done to me in the past, but I choose to look past it and forgive them. 

After what happened to this friend of mine… it makes him seem so lonely. I want to be his friend, but I just don’t know if I can trust him anymore. I don’t know how to be real friends with someone I cannot trust. It just feels like he could really use a friend right now. I wouldn’t mind being that friend… even after what happened between us. I don’t know, tumblr. I don’t want him to get the message that it’s okay to manipulate and lie to me…

What should I do?

Tumblr.. oh… my dear… dear tumblr…

You have no idea what my night has been like.

And for that, I am grateful, my sweet. For my night has been full of realizations. And I would hope that you, my friend tumblr, would be spared the corruption/discomfort of hearing such underhanded, distasteful, poisonous things.

I realized, with a little help, that my “friend”… is not such a great friend. Unbeknownst to me, the past few weeks of my life have been full of lies, deceit and manipulation. I’m hoping that I have put my trust in the right people tonight. I’m hoping that my conversation to conclude the night was not another ploy by someone to get what they want. I wouldn’t know what they could possibly want from me. I have nothing that they could possibly want. 

Anyway… just thought you should know, tumblr, that my night was really bizarre. I won’t get into it now, but I really appreciate that if I did want to tell you all about it, you would be more than willing to listen. I love you for that. That’s all you ever want from me. You just want to be there and listen… until I run out of breath or have nothing left to say. You will never hold it against me, or bring up my insecurities in a moment of weakness. You will never try to make me feel guilty or judge me for my opinions. You will never expect something in return for your time. You give all of this wholeheartedly and never leave me nor resent me for it. You’re a real friend, tumblr. Goodnight <3

Hey, Tumblr. Can I tell you something? You remember how my Valentines Day started out really crappy yesterday? Well… it’s ending was anything but! I mustered up the courage to finally tell my best friend how I feel about him… and about everything. You know what, Tumblr? I was scared. I was really scared. I didn’t know if he was going to be offended or hurt or shun me away for all the things that had happened before. I didn’t know if he was going to try to be understanding about my insecurities and my reservations or if he was going to get frustrated with me over them. Honestly, Tumblr, I really hope he finds it in his heart to be patient with me. I have a lot of ugly scars from my past… he knows about them… he’s my best friend! We’ve had lots of conversations about both his scars and mine! He knows almost everything there is to know about me! lol That’s awesome… this is so new to me… in a good way. In a really good way. =]<3 I know I can trust him. I know he’s a good person. I’m such a girl… with this stupid smile on my face and a tear in my eye as I write this now. lol 

I’m dating my best friend… … … … holy shit… ^^!!!<3333

Whenever I read through my past journal entry-type posts, I feel as if I sound like a mental patient. lol Like I’m some sorry excuse for a human being who has self-esteem-building exercises that they need to practice like telling themselves they’re beautiful when looking at themselves in the mirror every morning. Stupid…

Dumb self-help crap…

My mom loves that stuff and I think it has turned me off to it. 

Anyway…

I stopped using this my tumblr as a journal a long time ago, but I think I want to start again. I miss writing and as much as I hate feeling like a “crazy,” sometimes I just need to vent a little… or reflect on my own thoughts.

Like I previously stated, I just read a few of my older posts and it brought back a lot of memories. I need… … … … … … I think I need to become engrossed in my own life. Right now I feel like taking the people I love aside and telling them how much they mean to (and they do really mean a lot!), and then immediately afterward, just… disappearing. From everyone. EVERYONE.

But I guess that’s just my impulsive/emotional side coming out. I don’t know… I want to be able to express how I feel about everyone who is close to me. Everyone who means anything at all to me. I’m in a mood where I want to call each of them up and just lay it all out on the table for them. I like being able to speak my mind and people to take it “as is” and not read too much into it. I guess I just don’t do it because I know there are some people in my life who would think that I want something more from them, or possibly be disappointed by what I have to say. Maybe they might even get a little awkward and stop talking to me as much or my words will give them an unnecessary ego boost. Perhaps some of the things I want to tell them are a little fucked up on my part… and it would just be nice to say them… just to say them.

Who knows if/when I’ll ever be in a mood like this again. If any of my friends happen to read this right now… and you’re curious to know what I might have to say to you at this moment… you can call/text me. Hopefully I’ll still be awake/in that mood when you do.

Love you guys <3

YEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!

OOOOOMG YESSSS!!!!

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