Last night, I found out that a friend of mine got arrested. I was in a group of people when I found out. We all knew him. I was the only one who seemed to care… at all. And I was supposed to be upset with him! It astounded me how something like that could happen to him. He went out with people that night, didn’t he? They were supposed to be his friends? Maybe? Where were they? I know he was on drugs, but how could they let this happen to him? What kind of friend would let their buddy get in serious trouble like that when they weren’t in the right state of mind? It’s like taking care of a drunk person… making sure they don’t hurt themselves or do something horribly stupid. That’s what real friends do. We take care of each other. And nobody at that table last night seemed to be a real friend to him. I didn’t expect it from most of them, but only one other than myself should have cared. He didn’t. He said that he wouldn’t take care of our druggy friend BECAUSE he was on drugs. The complete opposite of what I just said a friend should do.
I can’t stop thinking about it. I keep wondering if I hadn’t been mad at him during this period of time and he and I would still be hanging out, would this have still happened? I wonder if maybe that night he would have just been watching movies with me at my house instead of going out to that club that night and taking all those drugs… … … and getting into trouble like that.
I don’t know.
I guess I’m being hard on myself. I feel like it’s partially my fault. Like maybe if I was with him that night, I could have stopped him from getting into trouble. I don’t even know if he would have listened to me in that state of mind. I would like to think that he would.
He and I used to talk about stuff. Stuff that mattered. I told him how I hated it when my mom would call me naive. People would call me naive. I was starting to believe it myself. I had heard it so many times over the years. He told me that he didn’t agree with that, though. He said that he didn’t think I was naive… he just thought I was… innocent.
Naive: 1. showing a lack of experience, wisdom or judgement; 2. having or showing simplicity of nature or absence of artificiality, unsophisticated; ingenuous
Innocent: 1. not guilty of a crime or offense; 2. free from moral wrong; without sin; pure; 3. not involving evil intent or motive
He said innocent sounded better because naive made it sound like I was dumb… and he knew I wasn’t. He told me that he liked that I was innocent. I suppose after living the life that he had lived for so long, hanging out with someone who genuinely only had good intentions was refreshing.
I couldn’t continue, though. He had other intentions. He was lying to me. I know how trusting I can be. Anybody who gets to know me will see that I always choose to believe the best in people. It’s my downfall, really. Because people may choose to take advantage of it. Take advantage of me. Once I realize that someone has been lying to me and trying to manipulate my kindness, I cannot trust them anymore. And how can I be friends with someone I cannot trust? Every person I consider my real friend is someone I feel that I can confide in. My chosen kind of friendship just doesn’t work with liars. It just… doesn’t. Unfortunately, I’m also very forgiving. There are lots of people in my life that I probably shouldn’t be talking to because of what they have done to me in the past, but I choose to look past it and forgive them.
After what happened to this friend of mine… it makes him seem so lonely. I want to be his friend, but I just don’t know if I can trust him anymore. I don’t know how to be real friends with someone I cannot trust. It just feels like he could really use a friend right now. I wouldn’t mind being that friend… even after what happened between us. I don’t know, tumblr. I don’t want him to get the message that it’s okay to manipulate and lie to me…
What should I do?