Besides my immediate family like my parents, my brother, and two of my cousins, I am afraid of the rest of my family. I can’t talk to them. I really don’t have any kind of relationship with them.

How lonely…

How sad…

This sucks. I have friend with such big families and they are so close. I wish I had that growing up. Whenever I would get together with my family, they all just made fun of me for not knowing how to speak Spanish and made me feel like an outsider for it. Their entire evening was Spanish… I had no idea what was going on. As a result, I have never really created any kind of relationship with almost any of them.

My mom is sending me to Nicaragua to stay with my aunt and get my wisdom teeth removed. It’s like 1/3 of the price over there than it is over here since I don’t have insurance.

I was talking to my favorite cousin and he suggested I stay with him when I went over there. I got so excited. I thought my trip was gonna be so much fun… playing video games with him and his gf… it was gonna be awesome. But my mom said I can’t do that… that it would be inappropriate…

So I started thinking about how it would be staying with my aunt. I love my aunt… don’t get me wrong. I really appreciate the things she has done for me. So very many things. My mom would always ask her to send medicine for me when I was sick… she even took me and my brother in for 2 months. I love her. But I am not really like her. She is so social and has a lot of friends. The last thing I want is for her to introduce me to all her friends over there and I since I don’t know the language, I will shy away from them. Then they will all think I’m rude, and my aunt will tell my mom and my mom will get mad at me…

I don’t know… maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. Maybe it won’t be like that at all. I guess I just got so excited that I would get to stay with my favorite cousin… who I am completely comfortable with and we always have an awesome time… and now it got shot down… and I am over-thinking what could happen with my aunt. 

I need to learn Spanish… my life would be entirely different if I did. And I mean… ENTIRELY different. I’m such an idiot for not learning by now. After 23 years of this fear, you would think that I would be smart about it and just freakin’ learn the damn language. If that’s all that creates the walls, learn the language. Boom. Problem solved. I’m so stupid. I guess the language just has such a negative connotation now. So many years of being ridiculed and judged… I shy away from it. I don’t want to think about it. Even though the language itself seems so beautiful. It’s a shame. I’m such a weakling sometimes… I need to get over this vice and just learn the damn thing. 

After my previous blog entry… I kinda feel like a stupid hypocrite. -_-;

It might not even be fear. It might just be negligence. Or maybe even forgetfulness.

I think it is important for us to tell the significant people in our lives just how much they mean to us. I was talking to a good friend of mine just now. I really think that if we all took the time to explain just how much people mean to us, we could all live a little happier. 

I think we can all take a little fulfillment out of knowing that we matter to the people around us. Sometimes we just need to feel like we would be missed if we went missing.

I have been unaware of my significance before. I had no idea how much I meant to someone. The day they told me, I have to admit… I felt very honored. 

I just… I don’t know. I think we could all live a little happier knowing that we meant something to someone. That’s all. Just knowing that we aren’t as alone, under-appreciated and insignificant as we think we are sometimes can give us a second wind when we need it most.

I made a meme =]

Last night, I found out that a friend of mine got arrested. I was in a group of people when I found out. We all knew him. I was the only one who seemed to care… at all. And I was supposed to be upset with him! It astounded me how something like that could happen to him. He went out with people that night, didn’t he? They were supposed to be his friends? Maybe? Where were they? I know he was on drugs, but how could they let this happen to him? What kind of friend would let their buddy get in serious trouble like that when they weren’t in the right state of mind? It’s like taking care of a drunk person… making sure they don’t hurt themselves or do something horribly stupid. That’s what real friends do. We take care of each other. And nobody at that table last night seemed to be a real friend to him. I didn’t expect it from most of them, but only one other than myself should have cared. He didn’t. He said that he wouldn’t take care of our druggy friend BECAUSE he was on drugs. The complete opposite of what I just said a friend should do. 

*sigh*

I can’t stop thinking about it. I keep wondering if I hadn’t been mad at him during this period of time and he and I would still be hanging out, would this have still happened? I wonder if maybe that night he would have just been watching movies with me at my house instead of going out to that club that night and taking all those drugs… … … and getting into trouble like that.

I don’t know.

I guess I’m being hard on myself. I feel like it’s partially my fault. Like maybe if I was with him that night, I could have stopped him from getting into trouble. I don’t even know if he would have listened to me in that state of mind. I would like to think that he would.

He and I used to talk about stuff. Stuff that mattered. I told him how I hated it when my mom would call me naive. People would call me naive. I was starting to believe it myself. I had heard it so many times over the years. He told me that he didn’t agree with that, though. He said that he didn’t think I was naive… he just thought I was… innocent. 

Naive: 1. showing a lack of experience, wisdom or judgement; 2. having or showing simplicity of nature or absence of artificiality, unsophisticated; ingenuous

Innocent: 1. not guilty of a crime or offense; 2. free from moral wrong; without sin; pure; 3. not involving evil intent or motive

He said innocent sounded better because naive made it sound like I was dumb… and he knew I wasn’t. He told me that he liked that I was innocent. I suppose after living the life that he had lived for so long, hanging out with someone who genuinely only had good intentions was refreshing.

I couldn’t continue, though. He had other intentions. He was lying to me. I know how trusting I can be. Anybody who gets to know me will see that I always choose to believe the best in people. It’s my downfall, really. Because people may choose to take advantage of it. Take advantage of me. Once I realize that someone has been lying to me and trying to manipulate my kindness, I cannot trust them anymore. And how can I be friends with someone I cannot trust? Every person I consider my real friend is someone I feel that I can confide in. My chosen kind of friendship just doesn’t work with liars. It just… doesn’t. Unfortunately, I’m also very forgiving. There are lots of people in my life that I probably shouldn’t be talking to because of what they have done to me in the past, but I choose to look past it and forgive them. 

After what happened to this friend of mine… it makes him seem so lonely. I want to be his friend, but I just don’t know if I can trust him anymore. I don’t know how to be real friends with someone I cannot trust. It just feels like he could really use a friend right now. I wouldn’t mind being that friend… even after what happened between us. I don’t know, tumblr. I don’t want him to get the message that it’s okay to manipulate and lie to me…

What should I do?

haha now THAT is a great team ^^<3

I love that companion cube…

it will always have a special place in my heart… <3

I think it’s safe to say that this game is probably one of my favorite games of all time. I’m sorry. I just love it to shreds. Love it so much… I want everything to do with this game. I want to tell the world to go and play this game! Go buy it, download it, borrow it from a friend… whatever! Just play the Portal games! You will love them! And if you don’t love them for some strange reason, you and I will never be friends. I’m very very sorry. I will now judge people according to their feelings on this game. 

In short:

Portal 1 & 2 are amazing games… and everything on this planet with opposable thumbs should play them.

That is all.

A special turn of events has made me quite bitter this Valentines Day. Oh joy. This is new.

As much as I would like to have that “special someone” in my life right now, I feel in my heart that it is best to be alone right now. I hope some day to find that person who I can share myself with again, but for now, I truly believe that I need to be on my own. My mom said something to me tonight that I agree with. She said that there is nothing wrong with having guy friends, but I need to make things clear to them or I will have another heart-breaking situation like what happened with Omar and Rudy. I will get really close to them and we’ll become the best of friends, then, when I don’t commit to them, they will leave me. I understand why they would leave, but there really is no need to break hearts. If I was clear from the beginning, it never would have happened. I would not have developed this shitty fear of abandonment over the years and those guys would not have felt rejected. If it were up to me, we would just remain friends as we were… but it was not up to me. It never was up to me.

If I can bounce back from the heart-break I experienced with my exes and still be their friends, I don’t see why it can’t happen with these guys. I mean… some of my exes don’t even deserve my friendship, but I see the value in recycling relationships with people because I would hate to think that years of my life spent building a relationship with that person didn’t lead to anyting. Even though we had originally planned for it to lead to romantic love, I can relax knowing that it at least led to platonic love. It’s better than nothing. Besides, those people from my past still hold a special place in my heart. I may not be interested in them romantically anymore because I know it won’t work, but I will always care for them dearly. No matter how messed up our past together may be. Some of them apologize for ever wronging me, some of them will never admit that they had ever done anything unjust. Either way, whether they deserve it or not, I leave them that place in my heart willingly. I know that there is good in everyone. I believe that wholeheartedly. I know everyone has potential for greatness and I know they have the capacity to love. Maybe they will not be loving me, but I know that I will always hold them dear.

I know this may sound like bullshit to some people who actually read this, but it’s just the way I am. I don’t like to hold grudges against anyone. I am well aware of the fact that I have been used, abused, and taken for granted by people before, but I really don’t care. I will still forgive them and carry on with no bitterness towards them. It’s just how I am. It’s how I choose to live. I am hoping that those guys that have left me will some day forgive me and return. I really do miss them. There is a reason we became such good friends in the first place.

I’m not sure why I am writing this right now. I guess I just feel nostalgic? I feel lonely? It would be nice to be able to go to bed knowing that someone is thinking of me with a smile in their heart tonight. But I know it’s not so. Valentine’s Day is on Tuesday and the lovers of America will be spending lots of money on chocolates, flowers, and stuffed teddy bears. New relationships may bloom and older, established ones will celebrate another cheesy holiday together. How I wish I was there again sometimes. I wish I had that person to make me feel special again. It’s so easy… if the love is there… you feel it. You can see it in their eyes… in the way they look at you… the way they talk about you. Something about them. You just know. I want that feeling. I miss it. I miss feeling like I mattered to someone. I miss waking up in the morning and knowing that somewhere out there, the love of my life had me in their heart. They might not be thinking of me in that moment, though. They might be busy with whatever was going on in their life so their brain was quite occupied. But beneath all those thoughts of daily decision-making and TPS Reports, I was there. At some point in their day when the fog of mundane life dissipates, and their first genuine heart-felt sentiment floats up to the surface from the depths of their chest… I would be there. 

*sigh*… oh well. This Valentines Day will be a lonely one. Tumblr, will you be my Valentine? <3?

Incubus- “Love Hurts”

Tonight we drink to youth

And holding fast to truth

(I don’t want to lose what I had as a boy.)

My heart still has a beat

But love is now a feat.

(As common as a cold day in LA.)

Sometimes when I’m alone, I wonder

Is there a spell that I am under

Keeping me from seeing the real thing?

Love hurts…

But sometimes it’s a good hurt

And it feels like I’m alive.

Love sings,

When it transcends the bad things.

Have a heart and try me,

‘cause without love I won’t survive.

I’m fettered and abused,

I stand naked and accused

(Should I surface this one man submarine?)

I only want the truth

So tonight we drink to youth!

(I’ll never lose what I had as a boy.)

Sometimes when I’m alone I wonder

Is there a spell that I am under

Keeping me from seeing the real thing?

Love hurts…

But sometimes it’s a good hurt

And it feels like I’m alive.

Love sings,

When it transcends the bad things.

Have a heart and try me,

‘cause without love I won’t survive.