Besides my immediate family like my parents, my brother, and two of my cousins, I am afraid of the rest of my family. I can’t talk to them. I really don’t have any kind of relationship with them.

How lonely…

How sad…

This sucks. I have friend with such big families and they are so close. I wish I had that growing up. Whenever I would get together with my family, they all just made fun of me for not knowing how to speak Spanish and made me feel like an outsider for it. Their entire evening was Spanish… I had no idea what was going on. As a result, I have never really created any kind of relationship with almost any of them.

My mom is sending me to Nicaragua to stay with my aunt and get my wisdom teeth removed. It’s like 1/3 of the price over there than it is over here since I don’t have insurance.

I was talking to my favorite cousin and he suggested I stay with him when I went over there. I got so excited. I thought my trip was gonna be so much fun… playing video games with him and his gf… it was gonna be awesome. But my mom said I can’t do that… that it would be inappropriate…

So I started thinking about how it would be staying with my aunt. I love my aunt… don’t get me wrong. I really appreciate the things she has done for me. So very many things. My mom would always ask her to send medicine for me when I was sick… she even took me and my brother in for 2 months. I love her. But I am not really like her. She is so social and has a lot of friends. The last thing I want is for her to introduce me to all her friends over there and I since I don’t know the language, I will shy away from them. Then they will all think I’m rude, and my aunt will tell my mom and my mom will get mad at me…

I don’t know… maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. Maybe it won’t be like that at all. I guess I just got so excited that I would get to stay with my favorite cousin… who I am completely comfortable with and we always have an awesome time… and now it got shot down… and I am over-thinking what could happen with my aunt. 

I need to learn Spanish… my life would be entirely different if I did. And I mean… ENTIRELY different. I’m such an idiot for not learning by now. After 23 years of this fear, you would think that I would be smart about it and just freakin’ learn the damn language. If that’s all that creates the walls, learn the language. Boom. Problem solved. I’m so stupid. I guess the language just has such a negative connotation now. So many years of being ridiculed and judged… I shy away from it. I don’t want to think about it. Even though the language itself seems so beautiful. It’s a shame. I’m such a weakling sometimes… I need to get over this vice and just learn the damn thing. 

After my previous blog entry… I kinda feel like a stupid hypocrite. -_-;